English Life of Ced last past years

Summary of my drama

I lost my mother the day of “happiness”, May 1st 2010. I can remember
the sadness… I felt devastated. For the first time my life became a
nighmare. I realized how dear my mum was to me! She was an angel with
others angels in the sky or sea, she fought very hard against breast
cancer, she healed twice because of living food and this convinced me
of the power of raw foods and juice fasts.
I crossed very difficult moments to manage my life in Montpellier, a
town that I hate like any other city, like you… We are not born to
live in concentrated spaces. I decided to live in a town for my
boyfriend in 2007, I realized how much a compromise it was for me, and
I did it for him. I gave him all my love support, I recreated a social
friendship circle for us, after years of travelling. He changed little
by little his behavior towards my lifestyle, but he became
workalcolic, and I was starting to feel abandonned… I now realize
that I had become a survivor again after myself years of recovery!
My dad and my sister were in Paris and my life was split between

became a controlling freak and she stopped all kinds of communication
with me. I left all to them, tried my best to be more supportive than
ever. But the nightmare continued, in September 2010 I met a newcomer
in our association from NY, Chris. Immediately, as a sign from God,
she went to the Permaculture festival and I felt she could be taking
over for me on Montpellier’s Fruit Tree Garden. I realized how
important Love is for me – it is my fuel! My boyfriend was starting to
spend less and less time with me and I was becoming crazy. Without any
support from my own family, I decided to have an aesthetic surgeon
change my face, and this was the beginning of self-destruction, due to
the fact that I did not have any love… I thought it was because of
my apparence… I thought that if I became prettier maybe I would
increase my self-love and receive more love, that could lead to have
him spend more time with me!
I gave less and less attention to our garden, and we had a second
destruction of our young trees in the summer of 2010, certainly a
second sign from the Universe that I should separate from Montpellier!
After many meetings organized through our little association, I
realized how important it is to communicate with our true heart, and
my only motivation was to survive and have an eco-house, or maybe two,
on a huge land and spend all my energy in my own family, a community
that I would call C’Mai & C’cru, Animals, Fruit Tree Garden.
I prayed a lot and was very patient. I gave all required informations
to Chris and other members for them to decide what could be done
because I had no energy to continue to plant fruit trees and see them
destroyed again. Chris decided to do the same as what I had done – she
met people from the permaculture scene, local alternative
associations, and I felt she was a great leader for the future. We
also met the Montpellier’s Environnement department staff.
In the last couple years I had a total of 3 major EFT surgeries. I got
totally transformed, and shocked. The surgeon made mistakes, changed
his medical report, lied about what was done on my nose and ears. By
the grace of God, we organized a second plantation in March 2010,
after my second operation (you can watch my interview from Rainbow
warriors and pictures taken by Chris – her husband is journalist as
well, so it’s very good quality). Like for children, I felt it was
time to let the garden have a new autonomy. I let Chris organize a new
team of gardeners, and she added a vegetable garden with a
permaculture design. She invited her permaculture friends to train
other gardeners. I felt very happy, and now I finally felt I could
travel again and find my own land for my boyfriend (Tibo) and I, and
have him take care of me again!
In July 2011, after organizing a little garden of our own (I had asked
Montpellier’s city to get a little parcel for Tibo and I to grow our
own food), Tibo decided at the beginning of August to go by himself
for a pilgrimage to St Jacques of Compostelle. He promised to go
through Italy as it was his choice. The 24th of July, I received
another sign of change. He said that his pilgrimage was not marking a
break in our relationship, and that he still loved me, but I felt like
a ghost – it was as if anyone had said this to me… There was no
attention. Chris helped me a lot to go through this period, with some
close friends, because I didn’t know what to do: Tibo had such a
selfish behavior! After 10 years of a loving relationship, he decided
to go alone for his vacation… I had accepted, but he didn’t mention
when he would come back, there was just silence… I stopped eating
and sleeping, I went to the Ecofestival, tried to recover at friend’s
homes and managed the produce and took care of our little garden.
Without any messages from Tibo I started to be very worried. I could
accept that he needed to go for a retreat or a trip for X amount of
time, but I could not understand why he could not say when he would be
back. He had no word for me, he let me alone with the garden in
Montpellier. I felt like in a jail, wondering what I had done to him.
I could not come up with any reason… Maybe I had done too much for
his happiness… I dreamt to build a family with him, he told me that
he would change towards this purpose, but he never did. I seriously
talked about the future of the vegetable garden with Chris. I decided
to give it away to my association entirely. I was feeling super angry,
because we spent like a child so much time together planting
vegetables, carrying water and talking to other gardeners who were so
nice to me… I started to cry without stopping, but to keep my face
up, I was forcing myself to smile as soon as I was with others. I
didn’t want to blame Tibo, I remembered him saying that he would come
back, that I should not feel any pressure about our relationship, but
what he did later left me completely mad. For September I had
organized a little trip and booked a chalet in the Alps, in the West
of France, through 4 differents places, just for us. He came back the
29th of August. I had received huge support from my neighbor, but Tibo
didn’t have a word for them, which was very difficult as it was so
important for my community – doing such simple things near you.
He also had no hug and no kiss for me, and just said “I want to be
alone”. This was the only sentence he pronounced… I had prepared a
super diner for him with tomatoes from our garden. He slept alone as
usual and I was left alone and called my friends to get support. The
next day I had 750km of driving and I felt very bad, but I forced
myself to think positive. He went back to work, I had closed friendly

was so sorry for me, not for him! I realize how different he had
become, I can’t believe he was so cold, without any heart.
Yes, I went travelling, I hiked alone in the mountains, living my own
adventures alone. I was so sad, kept calling him everyday from a
public phones, giving him all informations so that he could join me,
but I could only talk to our answering machine. The 16th of September,
after days without news from him, I decided to call his office. I got
him and he said he had changed the keys of our house, and put my few
luggages in our garage. I remember I was in a beautiful landscape with
a guide who became crazy for me. I said: “What, the keys of our

single clothes for him, left organic food, organized my departure with
Chris, who was very embarrassed because she had only known us
together, and she and some friends had looked after our garden during
the whole month of September, by themselves as Tibo had decided not to
do it anymore! I was furious, how could you do that? When I share my
story, people just can’t believe it. If he had said, we break up, I
don’t like you anymore, I could have understood, I would have had time
to take all  my belongings and end up 10 years of common relationship.
He kept all the money I had given to him to pay rent, and even the
reserve to buy our land. I tried to do my best to understand what was
happening. Believe me or not, until today, he kept being silent! I
returned to our home in September but he was absent. I went very angry
to his office, and I learnt he was in Strasbourg for one week, so I
was homeless, with all my luggages in the garage, living in a car
that’s it, without any explanation. I am thankful for having created
such a strong network of friends though – I talked to Chris and I was

twice for interviews – I asked him to send the videos to me, dubbed
into English, as he is a professionnal.